Friday, March 10, 2006

Broken dreams , persisting Hope

I remember the time, my eyes used to dream, dreams of innovations, dreams of doing something productive. But today when I look back, after so much of struggle, at what stage do I find myself? Comfortable? Yes.Satified? Nope!!!!!!!!!
Always I percieved the research field I entered as an opportunity to learn, to acquire new skills at a time and here I am changing fields, instead of learning, I am supposed to exercise some "selective amnesia" to fit in.The girl who used to question, her inquisitiveness has become a thing of past.Exploring different arenas has become a remote possibility and the very desire and effort of keeping myself updated about recent trends and uttering the slightest detail of any emerging technique of a field different than what I am supposed to(yes, "supposed to" )is becoming a question mark on my inclination to be in this field.I sometimes wonder whether my decision to enter this field was correct? But whom I should complain, when every decision was mine.I have been dwindled heavily with these thoughts and concern and the stress involved is killing. Why restriction on learning? Why do we need to see every problem with only one angle?Why I am the one getting concern about flaws in the ways things are done, why i keep on hitting my head and spoiling my sleep in night howwe can rectify the thing, finding solutions. Why i am not taking the tried and tested comfortable path of keeping my mouth shut and working?
"Main apni hi uljhi hui
raahon ka tamasha
Jaate hai jidhar sab
main udhar kyoon nahi jata"
But I know I will pass out the phase, and will keep on saying a spade a spade.I have to carve on my niche, frustrated I may be but I have not let the hope fly off from the side window.Only thing I need to dust off my zeal and borrow some criosity of a child and set out on my way and one day those dreams will return back , no not in the eyes, but in front of eyes, the place where they mean to be in the way they mean to be.I know it will be difficult to carry on in the way as I intend, but tell me a field where there will be no difficulties. I will better struggle than give up.
" I would rather stumble a thousand times
attempting to reach a goal,
than to sit in a crowd
in my weather-proof shroud,
a shriveled and self-satisfied soul.

I would rather be doing and daring
all of my error-filled days,
than watching, and waiting, and dying,
smug in my perfect ways.

I would rather wonder and blunder,
stumbling blindly ahead,
than for safety's sake
lest I make a mistake,
be sure, be safe, be dead"

Posted by Neelima Arora :: 1:03 AM :: 4 Comments:

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